What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
