theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
