So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
