I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
