she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
