fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
