Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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