hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
