It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We left the knife in your bed.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
