I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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