Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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