sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
