Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
