So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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