i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
