i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
