turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
