Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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