Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
