First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
