he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Boobs are out for the taking
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
