thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
How's work?
Spinning.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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