Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
