I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
