You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Randomize
