I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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