I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize