dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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