I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
