He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Hippo gnu deer
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
