You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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