boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he fucked my hip out of place.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
