I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
