You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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