So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
