I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
