it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
