Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have tasted many bathrooms
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
