I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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