Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
