I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
