bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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