im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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