is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
