I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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