I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
