True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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