barbara walters just said penis...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
