if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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