i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
