I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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