Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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