someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
