If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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