I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
