Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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