Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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